Cool story Hinin! I like the inner monologue (dialogue?) you present here. Very unique!

My biggest general piece of advice to make things more clear. As a reader, it isn't obvious to me who is speaking in the middle section. Also, you open with a scene of a war, and then reference a war in the middle section, are they the same war? And is that war continuing or over? And what is this war is being fought over. Why are the enemies called "traitors"? You don't need to necessarily be specific, but at least hint at these things. Basically, you need to tell the reader more, but with less, being that you are already over 500 words. So good luck!

Lastly, in the middle there is a small section where you switch from italics to normal font, I'm guessing that is not intended?

You got a good foundation here. Can't wait to see more! Keep it up!

The idea of this text appeared when I read the description Digitalhawk made his/her description of the design s/he submitted : the fact that the Unfallen can absorb things to grow stronger (a more direct approach to what all living beings can do) made me think about the consequences of this biological trait on their society. When a living being is absorbed by another after its death, is this one a new receptacle for the soul of the deceased (and does the cycle of life is doubled by a cycle of the souls) ?

At the end, this text is about the last time the Unfallen fought each other, the way they become peacekeepers, and why they call themselves the Unfallen (is it because they possess an incredible endurance due to their tree condition, or is it because they can live through others ?).

Hinin wrote:

The idea of this text appeared when I read the description Digitalhawk made his/her description of the design s/he submitted : the fact that the Unfallen can absorb things to grow stronger (a more direct approach to what all living beings can do) made me think about the consequences of this biological trait on their society. When a living being is absorbed by another after its death, is this one a new receptacle for the soul of the deceased (and does the cycle of life is doubled by a cycle of the souls) ?

At the end, this text is about the last time the Unfallen fought each other, the way they become peacekeepers, and why they call themselves the Unfallen (is it because they possess an incredible endurance due to their tree condition, or is it because they can live through others ?).

^This clarification was much needed as it made me understand a story that I was initially confused by.

I now like it quite a lot, especially the idea of a civil war where Unfallen fought other Unfallen. The idea of living through others is quite unique and I find it very interesting. Yyou have obviously put a lot of thought into your submission, I just wish it was a bit more clear

PANCZASU wrote:

Hinin wrote:

The idea of this text appeared when I read the description Digitalhawk made his/her description of the design s/he submitted : the fact that the Unfallen can absorb things to grow stronger (a more direct approach to what all living beings can do) made me think about the consequences of this biological trait on their society. When a living being is absorbed by another after its death, is this one a new receptacle for the soul of the deceased (and does the cycle of life is doubled by a cycle of the souls) ?

At the end, this text is about the last time the Unfallen fought each other, the way they become peacekeepers, and why they call themselves the Unfallen (is it because they possess an incredible endurance due to their tree condition, or is it because they can live through others ?).

^This clarification was much needed as it made me understand a story that I was initially confused by.

I now like it quite a lot, especially the idea of a civil war where Unfallen fought other Unfallen. The idea of living through others is quite unique and I find it very interesting. Yyou have obviously put a lot of thought into your submission, I just wish it was a bit more clear

Yes I know all of that is quite difficult to understand at first sight, but I wanted to immerge myself in a thinking process a little different from what we are used to (and this, combined with the 500 words limitation, can make it quite nebulous, but my name can be read as "foggy" or "nebulous" in French, so I think it describes my work quite well)...

I would have liked to meet the Amplicrew though...